Monday, February 28, 2005

SickBay...

How I feel is no mistake.

Fever,chills and body aches.

I think I'm sick from toe to head

Later folks I'm off to bed.

Monday Bunday-Special Oscars Edition...


Princess Jewel says "Hey! This isn't the red carpet! Shooo you Paparazzi! What am I wearing? Fur you idiot.. I'm a rabbit!"


Forget Finding Neverland, Twizzle prefers to be finding his greens.


With his airplane ears Greyton can star in The Aviator.


This Million Dollar Baby is falling asleep.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Countdown to Oscars...


Oscar preview..Best Picture Nominee-Greyton in "Sideways"

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Surburban Home Show Hell

Mrs. Pratt and I have owned our suburban PrattCave for about four years now. Occasionally my inner Ward Cleaver kicks in,and I get giddy with events like the one we attended this afternoon: The Suburban Home and Garden Show.

We just picked the absolutely worst time to attend this trade show which featured people selling new windows,new siding,new landscaping, hot tubs, painting, faux painting, faux siding, and faux fauxing.

Due to the little dose of winter we had a few days ago the total number of people cramming the aisles of the convention center were only slightly under kajillion.

We stopped at one booth-kitchen counter tops-Mrs. Pratt was oohing and ah-ing over the different patterns.Suddenly her revelry was interrupted.

"Arrrrrre you innerested in zis ?" If I had closed my eyes I would have sworn the voice was Arnold Schwarzenegger...only the caricature of Arnold that's done in the Clutch Cargo style on the Conan O Brien show.

"It's unbelllllieeeeeeeeable." I opened my eyes and saw a very large elderly woman with red curly hair and a glass eye. The voice was coming from her. I should have kept my eyes shut.

"veeee vill send you our caaaaaaatalogggg" All i kept thinking was if I could get her to say 'Cal-i- for-ni-a"

We ran from that booth and meandered past other interesting pitches...
Build a Log Home! Build a Dome Home! Build an Underground Home! Build a Log Dome Home Underground!

Now some of the people at the booths if you stopped in front of them were too busy talking to each other than offering any assistance. We did have an interest in finding someone to finish our basement but Dude#1 and Dude#2 were too busy discussing who had the worse hangover from the night before.

All through the home show we encountered people with 2 or 3 of those rubber brooms that are the current rage of infomercials. Of course people were careless as they were holding their brooms over their shoulder.There was more eye poking than a Three Stooges Film Festival.

Another huge crowd was mesmerized by a guy with a folding ladder.This ladder could be folded and unfolded eighteen different ways. As we walked by Mrs. Pratt says in a loud voice "AREN'T LADDERS AMAZING?" I responded with "OUT OF MY WAY! LET'S BUY 4 RUBBER BROOMS!"

Yet for being a home show we were noticing a lot of booths that really had nothing to do with improving your home...Time Shares? Foot Massagers? Cans of Chowder?Then we noticed that the pitches for the geegaws were starting to resemble the kiosk gauntlet at the mall. ARRRGH! Glowing art pens and Your Child's Name in a Book booths.Look out! More rubber broom salesmen.What? Lotion guys? Here? Quick! Run! To the Exits!

We came to one vendor with garden stauary and not one Lawn Gnome was to be found. I still have to glue the head back on Horace.As I was looking for perhaps a stone bunny I heard "It's Perfect!"

Uh Oh.

Mrs. Pratt was standing in front of a four foot wooden lighthouse complete with flashing light.

Mrs. Pratt:"This will be perfect for the front yard."

I got visions of Mrs. Kravitz, our nosy neighbor, having a slight case of cerebral hemmorage over that.

Mrs. Pratt:"Well.... maybe later this year." whew. Dodged that one....for now.


We had half heartedly decided not to stick around to see special guest Frank from Trading Spaces. And trudged out of the hall. I apologized to Mrs. Pratt for wasting her afternoon.

"Let's go home." she said. "And never again to the home show."

Agreed.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Special Guest Blogger...Mrs. Pratt!

Mrs. Pratt went to see Christo's The Gates last weekend. So without further ado here she is guest blogging her experiences:

Visiting The Gates in Central Park with my lighthousing friend Shirin was a great adventure.

First, I picked Shirin up at Grand Central Station…not an easy feat when you get there 10 minutes early and have to keep circling the block. Then it was onward and upward to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Cruising up Madison Avenue with the taxis is so relaxing.

At the Museum, we followed the herds up to the rooftop garden, open especially for the Gates since it’s usually too cold this time of year. Depending on the part of the roof, the view was either great or nothing but trees.


From the rooftop...

Then it was off for the short tour of the museum. We could have spent days there if we had wanted to see everything. We mainly looked at the 19th and 20th century galleries…Impressionism, Cubism, Surrealism, etc. We even found Edward Hopper’s painting of a lighthouse (Cape Elizabeth). In some of the galleries, the Gates kept teasing us from behind the curtains, so soon we were off to the park.

It took us about 15 minutes to go through the first couple of gates because we just kept stopping and taking pictures. We went from the museum to the castle, down the West Drive by the lake, through the Sheep Meadow, over to Strawberry Fields, and then back to the museum. All that walking and we only covered about ¼ of the Park. Were my legs sore the next day! Fortunately, no frost bite for me because for once I made like a Boy Scout and wore lots of layers, and remembered my hat and gloves.

The most interesting part was, of course, the people. This is an excuse to pull out any piece of clothing that is any color vaguely related to saffron. Those orange pants that you would be embarrassed to wear on Halloween would look perfectly normal. I even saw a woman in a full-length orange hairy coat that I swear was made from Snuffalupagus fur. We also came upon a guy holding clergy vestments standing next to a lot of flowers laid out on the ground. At first we thought it was some kind of protest, then we found out that someone was going to have the most colorful wedding photos ever.




We also overheard many comments about the exhibit. “Why is it orange?” “Why aren’t there any gates here? (Because there are trees, dummy!)” “I’m going to take one and use it as a shower curtain.” “I only took a couple of pictures because they all look the same.”

We were most dismayed that the Alice in Wonderland sculpture was covered in toddlers. Parents, please teach your children the difference between sculpture and a jungle gym. I wanted a picture of the March Hare.

After several tries, we found a volunteer that had some fabric swatches left. It was pretty clear that she had forgotten about them until we asked because she was obviously taking the mellow yellow thing a little too far.




So, after walking around outside for 3 hours and taking several hundred photos between the two of us, we went home…actually, I drove Shirin back to Grand Central Station which took forever down Park Avenue. I even got yelled at by a police officer for not moving even though all the cars in front of me were stopped. It’s that kind of friendly atmosphere (and the $30 parking) that reminds me why it was 5 years since my last visit to NYC.

You can see all of Mrs. Pratt's photos of The Gates here

Pratt Fiction...

CBS has announced Quentin Tarantino has been chosen to direct the season finale of CSI:Crime Scene Investigation.

Imagine if he put his eclectic touch on other tv shows....

Top 12 events from Tarantino TV...

12. Grace,Jack and Karen "Kill Will"

11. Extreme Makeover with Winston "The Wolf" Wolfe.

10. Trump quotes Jules Winnfield before firing someone on "The Apprentice".
" And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.... Oh....and You're fired!"

9. Regis and Uma.

8. Sonny Chiba joins the cast of "Yes, Dear".

7. The Crazy 88 Gang moves onto Wisteria Lane.

6. American Idol contestants must sing "Little Green Bag".

5. Everybody Loves The Gimp.

4. Vincent Vega collects the rent from Joey Tribbiani.

3. "Lost" introduces disco loving vampires.

2. Joan of Arcadia gets Adrenaline shot in her heart.

1. Deadly Viper Assasination Squad visit "The Simple Life".

Radio Silence...

Despite the fact that the state of commercial radio these days ...how do I put this in an educated erudite way....sucks rocks...There was one Philadelphia radio station where you could occasionally hear good music. It was called Y100. They played all the "alternative' music and also sponsored pretty cool concerts. Every summer they would have the "feztival" and Mrs. P. and I caught a few.The best one was when we got to see Green Day, Ben Folds Five,Everclear and Mighty Mighty Bosstones on one bill. Another time we caught Garbage and Cake. Um..the bands that is.

This morning pretty much without warning the station became all Hip Hop and calls itself the Beat now. A lot of my younger co-workers are dismayed at the sudden change.

It happens though in radio. Long Island had once upon a time the coolest station in the world- WLIR /WDRE 92.7 during the '80 and early'90's they broke a lot of New Wave and Alternative music in on the east coast. A few years ago it abruptly switched to an All-Spanish station. Que lastima.

So it looks like Satellite Radio will pick up some more listeners due to Y100's demise. Goodbye Y100.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Ding-a-Ling...

Poor Paris Hilton. Her T-Mobile Phone was hacked and all her celebrity friends' phone numbers and messages were posted over the net.

What was not reported were some of the Top 12 surprising things found in Paris Hilton's Phone...

12. Hotline number to the Batcave.

11. Prof. Stephen Hawking's jacuzzi party invite.

10. Harvard Admissions Office phone number.

9. Mathematical equations to make time travel possible.

8. Motel 6 location maps.

7. Projected 2005 Batting Averages for the New York Yankees.

6. The New York Yankees.

5. Ringtones for every Lionel Richie song.

4. Pratt's cellphone number...WTF?

3. Instructions how to work cellphone.

2. Love notes to Greyton!And Photos!!

1. Chlamydia.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Remember...


Sixty years ago today,this photo by Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press was taken as a flag was raised over Iwo Jima. This is actually the second larger flag being raised on Mount Suribachi after days of bloody battle. The war in the Pacific raged on but this photograph became an indelible part of American history. It is also commemorated as the United States Marine Corps War Memorial in Washington D.C.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Top 12 Secrets of the Alpine Iceman...

Yahoo News had this Headline today Alpine Iceman Reveals Stone Age Secrets.

Perhaps you've heard of this 5,300 year old body preserved by the ice of the Alps and discovered in 1991. And as Groucho Marx once said,"The Lord Alps those that Alps themselves."

Modern DNA techniques have revealed some secrets about his diet, health,etc. but here at the Blog of Pratt are the other Top 12 Secrets of the Alpine Iceman.


12. Was secretly scouting out locations for next Christo art debacle when frozen.

11. By Crom! Conan the Barbarian owed him ten bucks!

10. Beneath ancient clothing scientists found Wonder Woman Underoos.

9. Battle axe still had security tag attached to it.

8. Paris Hilton's phone number found amongst frozen possessions.

7. Diet consisted not only of goat and wild mushrooms but Pringles and Slim Jims.

6. Had six pack of Grog and Mead on him.

5. Tattoo on forearm was Woody Woodpecker smoking a cigar.

4. Was quite unhappy with "Queer Eye" makeover.

3. He SO invented the wheel and fire and don't listen to those other cro magnons.

2. Thinks King Tut is a total loser.

1. Probably writing a blog in his spare time.

Rink Rat

One of my blog friends once told me that she likes my website but it's strange how I really don't talk about myself much. I was a little confused about that. I thought I couldn't be any more meta on here. But time to part the veil of history and reveal something about my past. I was a Rink Rat.A Roller Rink Rat.

Recently, a flood of memories has returned due to a recent post from TranceJen. She recalled the days of her youth spent at the local Roller Rink.

So I wrote her back describing my days :

Hey Jen,

Read your all skate post...I actually worked at a roller rink from 1981-1983.This was back in the day of four wheels on a skate not rollerblades. I was the DJ . I was "Mike the Music Man" I had a whole spiel I had to say to the crowd I still can recite it:

"Good afternoon and welcome to the Hamburg Roller Rink. Before we get started there are a few rules to go over.

Rule 1.Please keep all food and drink in the snack bar area
Rule 2. No combs or brushes may be sticking out of your back pockets.
Rule 3. No backward skating but we'll have a backward skate later in the session Rule 4. Please play attention to all the floor guards directions
and Rule 5. No fast skating, pushing, shoiving or tripping. Your floor guards today are Eddie and Flex and I'm Mike the Music Man. If you'd like to request a song please leave them at the skate rental desk."

"This next skate will be an all skate - all skate slowly and carefully please."

AC/DC - "You Shook Me All Night Long" was great to start off an all skate with..for Couple skates the best songs to play were Reo Speedwagon- "Keep on Loving You" and Journey's "Open Arms" . Anything by Journey, Loverboy, Ac/Dc,Bob Segar,J. Geils Band or whatever was popping up on MTV was popular(This was also the early years of MTV and whatever was hot on that was played by us)

"Rapper's Delight" by the Sugarhill Gang was big for the "boogie skates" along with "Super Freak" and "Give it to me Baby" by Rick James. When the Thriller Album came out You could play anything off it and people went nuts.Michael Jackson was still black.

I did a 1-4 afternoon shift for younger kids then a 7-11 shift for high school kids every Saturday and Sunday. I learned to master Pac- Man, Ms. Pac Man, Centipede, Defender, Tank Command, and Dig Dug there in their game room.

I ended each shift with Van Halen's version of "Happy Trails" from the Diver Down album.

Those were amazing days and almost 25 years later I still stay in touch with old Rink Rats.

The roller rink itself met an unfortunate end. I would go back and work there some summers in the mid eighties.

In 1986- the new owner asked to see me and the other DJ. He led us into the soundbooth and asked for us to show him the "Devil Music" he was a born again christian and banned rock. We quit on the spot. NOBODY would go to the rink then. They played organ music and weird Jesus rock.

The crowds went from 800 kids a weekend to like 20. The place was out of business in 3 months. Nice going Ned Flanders. The building was sold and bulldozed to build a KMart.

Then the KMart went under a few years later and that was bulldozed. *sigh* It's an empty parking lot now.

So that's my rink rat past. Whenever I go back to Buffalo to visit family we usually drive by the place where the rink stood. After being together for so long Mrs. Pratt always beats me to the story now.

Mrs. Pratt:"Yes, yes I know. That's where the rink was and the kmart was there and now it's gone.blah blah blah."

Oh well ...I can Backward Skate and She can't.

Monday, February 21, 2005

BrolsmaMania!

Ladies and Gentlemen...The Greatest Entertainer of our age: Gary Brolsma. Rock on GMan! The song he is lip syncing to(and he does a better job at that than Ashlee Simpson) is called "Dragostea Din Tei" by the Romanian pop group "O-Zone". You can find the track on Napster. Just try to get that out of your head today.

Monday Bunday


Happy President's Day-Greyton does his George Washington impression.


Twizzle and Baxter steal a bunny kiss.


Handsome Mr. Twizzle.


Princess Jewel says Happy Monday Bunday.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Gonzo...

Hunter S. Thompson , an original voice in American counterculture writing, most notably for his "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" has died due to a self -inflicted gunshot wound. Thompson was also the inspiration of the character Duke in Garry Trudeau's "Doonesbury".

Saffronmania!


Mrs. Pratt had a wonderful time visiting Christo's The Gates in Central Park today.


She will be guest blogging about it later in the week.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Shockwaves...

I really wish I got a "do-over" for today. My very bad days are fortunately few and far between but when karma decides I needs an ass kicking, it's wearing the steel toed Doc Martens....like today.

The alarm clock went off at 9AM because I had to be awake and alert to get tickets for Green Day (they are playing Atlantic City in April).The tix were going on sale at 10AM. I was foolishly optimistic like I was with attempting to get U2 ducats a few weeks ago.

I was downstairs after passing out baby carrots and cheerios to the Pratt Bunnies (usual breakfast fare for them) when suddenly I heard a thunderous noise from upstairs.

Now Baxter usually races around the bedrooms to exercise first thing and you hear her thumpity thump running. But this was a louder type of noise...like a crazed panic bat out of hell noise.

Baxter was in the one bedroom looking meek. I petted her and she seemed ok. Then I went to the room where we keep our computer. SHIT.

We protect our computer and cords with plexiglass then have a chair pushed up against it when not in use. She can't get back there then. When I'm sitting at the computer she knows she'll be told to scoot if she tries to go under there.

Due to me leaving space for her to get back there she did and decided to follow her carrot breakfast with a nice snack of the moniter power cord.

*ZAP*

She is ok. We checked her out thoroughly..she's been normal all day- ate her dinner tonight and is acting like nothing happened.

But the moniter was useless. So that was bad thing #1.

But hey remember I got up in the first place to get Green Day tickets? Despite trying with the phone and Mrs. Pratt's laptop- the show was sold out within a half hour.The tickets were going for a fair price of $35 -so they went quick.Check out ebay to see how much the vultures are reselling them. So no Green Day for us in April. Bad thing #2.

We decided to go to a local mall where I had to get a haircut ("Founding Father hair" was back on me. That's where it wings out on the sides - yeah it's President's Day weekend but the George Washington look is out)

Lucky me! Two seconds after my haircut begins, a family with three very small children come in- time for haircuts for the tykes! These kids all screamed and cried through the experience. I think they broke the decibels record set by that WHO concert back in the 1970's. Bad thing #3.

The dad sat with each screaming child on his lap in the barber chair while the mom wrangled the other two. Seeing the fuss his brothers made, by the time third child 's turn was coming he was not interested in participating in "Sweeney Todd- the Juvenile Edition". He tried to run around the mom and she reached out to grab him...and then..Bad thing #4:

SHE BUMPED THE ARM OF THE BARBER USING CLIPPERS ON ME.

My hair is a little shorter than usual this time around.No real damage done but I was starting to feel that God got a hold of some Divine goldschlagger and after a few shots was messing with me.

Next door to the barber shop is the comic book store I have been going to since I moved to the Philly area. It's a cool store because not only does it sell comics but also old magazines, books and records(Vinyl!) I saw big notices for huge sales in the store. uh-oh..

"Say you guys aren't going out of business?" I said.

Well maybe not for a month or so was all the clerk could tell me.

"Worst News Ever." I thought (in the voice of Comic book Guy from the Simpsons).

Bad thing #5.


So the day just had to get better.A new power cord was bought.My haircut wasn't a total disaster. Mrs. Pratt knew I needed cheering up though.

Mrs. Pratt:"I think we need to go to Hooters for dinner."

I feel much better now. The computer is working. I saw boobs. Baxter is ok and I'll just have to settle for my Green Day cd. Tomorrow if I get out of bed I'm wearing a crash helmet.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Perchance to Dream...

I was finishing up another work day when my phone buzzed. I had an incoming text message. It was from a friend who simply said

"Last night I dreamt that Baxter and I were flying to Alaska."

It made my day. Do you people really dream about my rabbits? It's strange but in all the years I've had them as my pets I remember dreaming about them only a few times. Maybe because they are on my mind most of my waking hours the bunnies don't hop around my subconscious.


I've had trouble sleeping lately. I would wake up every few hours and not just sleep the whole night through. Maybe I should count rabbits instead of sheep.Or maybe I can dream about this...


Baxter looks at the Klondike State.

Unhappy Landings...


Vince and Larry in mourning. The Inventor of the Crash Test Dummy has died.

PreHarestoric...

The oldest rabbit fossil was discovered recently in Mongolia. This early species is 55 million years old. Greyton and the bunnies are pleased to have this discovery in their family tree.


Shocking proof of Prehistoric rabbits.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Top 12 Magazines You Don't Want To See a Swimsuit Edition...

Sports Illustrated relased their annual popular Swimsuit Edition on Tuesday.

Here from the Blog of Pratt is the top 12 Magazines you really hope doesn't jump on the swimsuit issue bandwagon...

12. Dog Fancy

11. Modern Maturity Monthly

10. CPA quarterly

9. Smithsonian-featuring Eleanor Roosevelt and Janet Reno.

8. New England Journal of Medicine

7. Martha Stewart Living

6. O-The Oprah Magazine

5. Field and Stream

4. Star Trek Communicator

3. Congressional Quarterly

2. Dermatology Today

1. Male Blogger Monthly

Avast Ye Swabs...

My home computer has been attacked. I don't know how exactly it happened but my modem program was compromised. So the other day I'm about to click on the internet and instead of the usual name and connection was another name and an international phone number. As Yosemite Sam used to say, "Brazen frazzen nazzen hazzen !" Well I said the same thing except with much stronger language. If any of my more tech savvy friends out there have suggestions-please email me.

It's getting fixed but if I see a guy with a parrot on his shoulder saying"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr" there's going to be trouble.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Game Off...


It's Official.... No NHL this year.

Easter B...

The Valentine candy is moving off the grocery shelves and the Easter candy is showing up. Here's an early Easter greeting you all will enjoy.

Give a Dog a Bonus...

2 paintings of the original "Dogs Playing Poker" series sold at auction for $590,000. Tonight I will start drawing "Bunnies playing Nintendo".

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

One Beat Scroll...

The University of Iowa Museum of Art has a special exhibit until mid March. For the first time ever the entire 120 foot scroll of Jack Keroauc's "On the Road" is unfurled and displayed for the public.

"On the Road" is one of my favorite books. I usually read it every Spring. I wish it was being displayed in a closer vicinity.

Truth Serum...

This has been done by a bazillion online journalers. But today's edition is -Ask me Anything. Have any thing on your mind...you may ask me three questions and I will do my best to answer them...about anything...Hey it could be worse..I could be doing a "What's in my Fridge" post.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Monday Bunday-Valentine Edition...


Happy Valentine's Day from elderly Princess Jewel. The younger bunnies are doing some matchmaking. Baxter gets to meet the boys on their territory.


Let's meet our Bachelors...Twizzle and Greyton!



And here's the bachelorette-Miss Baxter. Bring on the boys!


You talk to her...no YOU talk to her...


"Look Greyton ..a GIRL!" "I know Twizzle... Be cool man!"


"Hey baby what's shakin' in your carrot patch?"


Happy Valentine's Day!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Get a Heart On...

One of the landmarks of Philadelphia is The Franklin Institute. Established to honor the scientific legacy of Benjamin Franklin, it has been an active part of the city's cultural landscape for many years. One of its most popular exhibits is the Giant Walk-Through Model of a Heart.

To celebrate the 50 years since it first opened. The Heart will be open to the public for 50 hours this weekend. Festivities include wedding ceremonies in front of it. Imagine the wedding photos "Yes, we cut the cake near the Aortic Valve and had the reception across the way in the gargantuan Spleen."

So if you live in the Philadelphia area and have a (heart) burning desire to see a giant organ (insert joke here) You can drop by The Giant Heart with your Valentine.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Friday, February 11, 2005

English Teachers Weep...

"I understand Willy Loman's longing for immortality. Willy's writing his name in a cake of ice on a hot day, but he wishes he were writing in stone."-Arthur Miller.

Arthur Miller, American playwright, most famous for "Death of a Salesman"(and an ex husband of Marilyn Monroe) dead at age 89.

Vegetable Stupe...

I really don't watch much Reality TV. But occasionally I get sucked in. The latest season of The Apprentice is doing it for me.

Mainly because of Erin. One fo the stars of team Magna. Her bio says she's an "accomplished attorney" (*giggle*snicker* Fresh out of law school attorneys are not what you would consider accomplished.Besides she quit to pursue the tv/modeling career.)

The kindest name I have found for her on various message boards talking about the show is "Morticia Hilton". She suffers from horrible fashion sense which is definitely carried over from her law school years. But not in a funny ha- ha Elle Woods "Legally Blonde" way...more like a oh that's so sad she thinks she's hot way.(See Episode One- the furry muppet bath mat poncho)

Exhibit A ( for asshat) your honor. If that photo from fellow contestant's Brian 's site of Erin in UGG boots didn't kill that trend nothing will. I expect my friend Amalah to douse her own pair of Ugg's with gasoline now.

Ok..so I think she is indestructable. She was Magna's project manager on last night's episode and was in charge of producing a commercial for a new Dove body moisturizer. See the commerical here.

She did not get fired for producing that commercial. It was basically bad gay vegetable porn. Dove hated it. Trump hated it. I wish I had the freeze frames of all her eye rolls and pop-eyed stares from the board room when they were ripping her team a new one. But she survived- becuase the street smarts crew were having a nasty little catfight.

Oh well she has lasted another week and I am sucked into watching her with the same fascination as a car wreck and a carnival sideshow.

How to Make Pratt Happy...


Best. Jellybeans. Ever.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Top 12 Wedding Tips for Prince Charles...

It was announced today at Buckingham Palace that Prince Charles,Prince of Wales will marry his longtime friend Camilla Parker Bowles in April. Here are the Top 12 Wedding tips for His Royal Highness.

12. Check if Windsor Castle Fire Hall can host reception.

11. Remind British Press to refer to her as Lady Camilla, not "That Snotty Bitch."

10. Exit music after ceremony shouldn't be the "Benny Hill Theme".

9. Formal wear for ceremony Prince Harry, not Nazi uniform!

8. Open wedding registry at Harrod's and Pottery Barn.

7. Wedding dinner should include hors devours, champagne, and Toad in the Hole.

6. Reception entertainment by the old Queen means Elton John not Elizabeth II.

5. In celebration of event, bestow knighthood upon Simon Cowell.

4. In seating arrangements at reception do NOT sit Prince William near Paris Hilton.

3. Best Man- Hasselhoff!!!

2. Declare official end to the old "Up Chuck and Di" joke.

1. On President Bush's invitation write "BYOB".

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Pass the Carrots...

The Bunnies are thrilled at this news. They get an extra carrot tomorrow. And so will I.

Crash Wednesday...

Yesterday was Fat Tuesday and there was so much food here at work that I totally lived up to the name. In the course of one work day I ingested.. 2 donuts, 4 cookies, pumpkin bread, a corn muffin,chocolate cake,peanut butter brownies, several handfuls of peanuts, some hershey kisses, a granola bar, a slice of pizza, several cups of coffee and a ginger ale. Blah.

No I did not have my stomach pumped last night. But I felt like Jabba the Pratt by the end of the day.

And so here it is Ash Wednesday(which I.. um.. skipped since I haven't been to church in like 10 years)where fasting and giving up things for Lent and all that other rigmarole is happening today and I have to go on a bit of a diet.

You know it's bad when your own wife takes her contact lenses out when she has to look at you.

Or that there are big arrow signs pointing me to the treadmill.

But the big eating holidays are over (Halloween Candy,Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner,New Years, the Superbowl) only one obstacle remains in my love affair with snack food.

Just Born Jelly Beans. These are made by the same people who make Marshmellow Peeps. Mrs. Pratt is a fan of those although she leaves them in a partially opened package then by July I have a giant marshmellow chick with the density of asphalt being a paperweight on my kitchen counter.

Back to the Jelly Beans..they start popping up in the supermarkets this week with the other Easter candy and then disappear until next winter.It's not even the usual brands they have on their corporate website. We buy enough bags to last us the whole year. The supply usually peters out by November.

So despite my best efforts to diet and exercise more..the bags of Easter Jelly Beans will be lurking about....and don't get me started on Chocolate bunnies.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Soap Opera...

My friend Dawn recently recounted her escapade in a laundromat. It reminded me of the days when Mrs. Pratt and I first got married and were living in an apartment with no washer/dryer.

Each week we would load up the car with several baskets and drive to our local laundromat which just happened to be located in the Twilight Zone.

There was a usual cast of characters we would see there. Not the type of beloved characters in a Cheers "Everybody knows your name" way. But a cast of characters in a "Don't Make Eye Contact- EVER!" type of way.

The guy we saw in there the most was called Bill.He was a tall lanky dude who chain smoked so much he was starting to get that skeletal look most chain smokers or coal miners get. Hollow sunken eyes, wispy moustache. Bill was friendly though and would greet us with a "Hey Married Couple!" every time we would lumber in with the laundry baskets.

To this day whenever we drive by the place I'll shout out from the car "Married Couple!" Mrs. Pratt looks at me like I'm Pavlov's dog with a wedding ring.

Bill had a brother who hung out there with him. We nicknamed him Feety. It's awful I'm going to hell. But hey Mrs. Pratt came up with the nickname. The kid had a Beatlesque haircut but his eyes were like half closed all the time and he looked half drunk-Mrs. Pratt said - he probably had fetal alcohol syndrome and thus the nickname - Feety. Yeah I know ..straight to hell. I think I have a condo there.

The third regular was Dolt45. There is a pizza and beer place next door to the laundromat and this guy - we thought possibly another brother of Bill's - would hang out there with a slice and a big 40 ounce Colt 45. He would always be reading the Better Homes and Garden magazines on the table though.HUH?

Bill had a few obsessions we witnessed each laundry day. He had one of those high powered weather radios. He would crouch down and listen to all the pertinent info if it was raining.Not like we live in an area constantly flooded but he loved to write down wind speeds and how much rain we were getting.
I guess he just liked weather.Occasionally he would just shout out "Winds are 15 mphs!" ".08 of rain tonight!". He was the Al Roker of the white trash world.

He also liked Phil Collins.Loooooooved Phil Collins. He had a video of one of Phil's concerts that he played over and over and over again. Every week the same tape. It got to the point where I was reciting Phil's pre-song banter with the crowd...Mrs. Pratt wanted to stick her head in the dryer if she heard "Sussudio" one more time.

So each visit went like this ...walk in door.."Hey Married Couple!" ("Against all Odds" or "In the Air Tonight" playing on background tv set) (weather forecast blaring on radio...)"10 MPH! Need Quarters?"

Dolt 45 and Feety would drop by. One day Bill and Dolt 45 went out to get food and left Feety in charge of the place. We were there reading magazines and waiting for a load to finish when a few biker looking types come in- they have no laundry and frankly just seem to be casing the joint.

They wanted change for a $50 or a $100 or a place to initiate someone in the gang named Cheech.

Biker guy #1: "Wow little man that's a lot of cash..."

Feety is showing them the boxes they keep change and cash in- not a locked register.

"Oh yeah we just keep them back here on the table." says Feety .

Biker guy#2:"Is thaaaaat so......?" He's scratching his chin.

Biker guy#1:"How much you got in there?" Feety starts counting.

Mrs. Pratt and I exchange glances that said "Oh joy. We'll be witnesses to armed robbery."

Our dryer finished at that moment - we didn't wait to fold it. We were in the car in two minutes leaving Feety and his new found friends.

I scanned the police blotter for the next week. Fortunately no headlines about a laundromat shakedown.

We also came to some decisions that week. We moved into an apartment that had a washer/dryer. We also threw out any Phil Collins records I had....and it was a long time before we could watch the Weather Channel.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Monday Bunday


Twizzle just can't watch the end of the Super Bowl.Oh well maybe next year.


Hello boys! Forget that silly football game! It's Mardi Gras time!


Where are those boys? It's Baxter Gone Wild!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

No O.T. for T.O. ...


New Slogan for Philadelphia.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Murder He Wrote...

Mrs. Pratt was reading the morning newspaper when suddenly she heard a noise. I was told to come downstairs at once. A horrific crime had occured. Our Lawn Gnome had suffered an accident. Or was it....MURDER (dramatic music cue- dun dun dun)

Now this isn't the first trouble he has been in...several months ago an attempt was made on his life and that remains an unsolved mystery. Today though his worst nightmare came true. Horace the Lawn Gnome is dead.



First look at the crime scene. Reported to authorities by a shady looking squirrel named Raoul.


The grisly crime scene. Victim is one Mr. Horace Winklebottom. Age:548. Height:1'3".Also sometimes known as Franklin Jr. The Deceased was carrying flowers in basket,book of magic spells,$65 in cash, the phone number for one "Ms. Sprightly Bazooms" from the "Hot Pixies Strip Club" and a half finished bottle of Jose Cuervo.


Friends pay their respects. Horace we hardly knew ye.


Detective Greyton consults with a colleague. They decide to question other garden statuary and backyard wildlife who may have witnessed the crime.


Death has been ruled accidental. 50 degree temperatures melted ice from Mr. and Mrs. Nice Neighbor's roof. A large piece of ice decapitated the deceased. Next of Gnome will be notified.


Baxter on the case! This will be a best-seller! "Gnome No More".

Friday, February 04, 2005

Hail Mary Full of Riboflavin...


A woman in Reading ,Pennsylvania poured herself a bowl of AppleJacks for breakfast. The Eagles logo appeared. It sold on EBay(minus the milk) for $760. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go look for a bowl of Lucky Charms that resemble Brian Westbrook.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Faber College Mourns...




"As of now they're on Double SECRET Probation! " R.I.P. John Vernon. He was best known as Dean Vernon Wormer from "National Lampoon's Animal House". I have used his advice on some of my students.."Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life,son."

Super Bowl Shuffle...

The big game is on Sunday. My local team the Philadelphia Eagles are in it for the first time since 1980. The entire community is building to a slow mouth frothing frenzy as the dreams of being the NFL world champions is so close. Philadelphia is so hungry for a championship. We've been let down more times than Corey Feldman auditioning for Shakespeare in the Park.

And it looked like I wasn't going to be able to watch the game.

The two sports I follow the most are football and baseball. Two weeks ago, the Eagles clinched the NFC championship and won their ticket to Jacksonville. I was excited. This was great for the city of Philadelphia. It was amazing as the final seconds ticked off the clock. Eagles win!

Mrs. Pratt: "When's the Super Bowl?"

Me:(Jumping around dancing at the victory) "Two weeks from today!"

Mrs. Pratt:"That's my birthday."

(sound effect of record needle scratching across album)

Me:(nervous) "Heh heh ..well two reasons to celebrate...heh heh..."

Now Mrs. Pratt is NOT a football fan. Not even in a bandwagon way.

Mrs. Pratt:"Well for my birthday I want to go to the auto show, then out to dinner. somewhere where there isn't a tv.I'd like Cuban food."

Me:"Uh...er...yeah..the auto show is cool..we can do that...but um..the game..."

The matter was dropped for about a week because if I protested too much not only would I be sleeeping on the couch, but the couch would be outside.And set on fire.


Oh the pickle I was in. Now some of you out there are saying, "Pratt- it's your wife's birthday.What she says goes.End of story."

Others may say "Stop being whipped. It's the Super Bowl! The Eagles in the Super Bowl! How can you be a guy from Philly and not watch such a moment in Philly history?Birthdays come and go but the Eagles don't get there every year."

So I stewed about this for a few days. Then came up with an idea.A Wile E. Coyote Super Genius idea.

Saturday is supposed to be a lovely day , so we will visit one of our favorite towns New Hope, and have dinner at this great restaurant called Havana up there. She gets her Mojitos and cuban food and all is well.

Sunday we still go to the Philadelphia Auto Show all day but we'll be home before dinner, and I will cook her a sumptuous meal being the marvelous husband I am(shhh..she might be reading this- nod in agreement)and wow! Hey look! The tv is on and so is the game. Yeah I'm slick folks.

Mrs. Pratt agreed to this well thought out negotiation although I sensed my plan was more transparent than Claude Rains.

"Wile E. Coyote.....suuuuuuuper genius!"

And for the record...Mrs. Pratt will be "27" this year.Just like last year.


Dirty Talk...

Oh yeah , your little hearts raced at that title didn't it. WoooHooo..Pratt's finally going to dish the dirt...well..uh..no...

Berlitz Books publishes all kind of language books. Now we all took languages in high school or college or maybe just learned a second one for the fun of it. And admit it..You always wondered how to say certain things.

No, not the past participle form or present pluperfect...the good stuff...curse words, insults, sex terms, real slang that is commonly used...and our French and Spanish teachers would be hesitant to tell us the juicy stuff. Worry no more.

Berlitz has solved our linguistic mysteries by publishing these books:

Hide this French Book

Hide this Spanish Book

There are even audio samples provided on the site. Enjoy!

I learned most of my French from Pepe Le Pew cartoons. Le bow. Le wow. Le rowr rowr.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Wow...Talk about a Sky Box...


And speaking of the man upstairs...I guess he's joined the coaching staff of the Eagles. This headline was in today's Philadelphia Inquirer. Terrell Owens couldn't agree that a plague of locusts would descend on Patriots fans.

Top 12 Doctors' Orders the Pope Must Obey...

12. No more late night trips to White Castle in the PopeMobile.

11. Updating your Vatican Blog suspended until you feel better.

10. No sacramental wine while on Antibiotics.

9. Red Carpet Oscar appearance with Star Jones cancelled.

8. Host wafers can be put in chicken noodle soup.

7. Plenty of rest needed so "7th Heaven" will have to be put on Tivo.

6. Same goes for "American Chopper".

5. When in the hospital- no dropping in on other patients and saying "Want Last Rites from the Big Guy?"

4. Hospital rules forbid Holy Ghost staying past visiting hours.

3. No camping out for U2 tickets.

2. No more hiding IPod underneath giant Miter hat.

1. If fever persists- not allowed to tap Tony Danza as successor.

Groundhog Day Results...

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow outside...Six weeks of winter we must abide.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Shadow Knows...

"This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather."-Phil Conners (Bill Murray) in "Groundhog Day".


You were expecting maybe...a rabbit?

Tomorrow is my favorite holiday of the year. Seriously, I get giddy about the second of February. Groundhog Day. And as in the movie, Punxsutawney,Pennsylvania is the place where at Gobbler's Knob the prognosticater of prognosticaters, Punxsutawney Phil will make his appearance for the 120th year. If he sees his shadow it means six more weeks of winter. If not it means an early Spring.

Groundhog Day comes from the traditions of Pennsylvania German settlers who had Candlemas Day where the foretelling of spring would occur by the appearance of a hedgehog. Other traditions mark it as a day to commemorate the halfway point of winter.



"Don't Drive Angry...."

Since the 1993 movie with Bill Murray now the crowd in Punxsutwaney is between 10-30,000 to party all night and witness Phil make his appearance. I really wish I was there. Whenever I discuss spending an icy few days in the middle of Pennsylvania partying with a woodchuck Mrs. Pratt gives me the Look of Death. I think next year I will definiely go. Punxsutawney is only 200 miles west of me.


You can watch the appearance of Punxsutawney Phil live courtesy of the Pennsylvania Tourism Office beginning at 7am with a live webcast .

My backyard Groundhog (see June 1st) hasn't been seen all winter but I'll be on the lookout.

And at home I think if Greyton sees his shadow that means Twizzle is eating his carrots. So give it up for a guy with a prominent overbite tomorrow.
Have a Happy Groundhog Day.